Thursday, October 13, 2005

Torpedo Soup for the Soul

After few days weeks of procrastination finally I cleaned my bathroom just now. I can sleep on the bathroom floor tonite. Huh, maybe I should. But not the bathroom floor, on the living room floor. Been a while since I have been sleeping on the floor or hard surface. Not been able to sleep well on the bed these few weeks months. Ya, may be I should sleep on the floor tonite.


Okie now. Come to the real meat for tonite post. Clean on the outside, now cleaning the inside. I wish the soul is a physical thing like my bathroom. So easy to see and clean when it's dirty. Or at the least give me an extra sense to "see" my soul, I am very positive the five senses that I possesed right now are not capable of "seeing" through my soul.

I was in bad mood last night. Thanks to my friend for sharing my bad mood with me, for taking the profanities that I threw at her with joy and eagerness. I have never enjoy being in the bad mood as much as last night. I have learn a few lessons from this experience. All the theories that I have been reading finally ring so loud and clear in my head from this real hard knocked experience. It becomes so real and true. Not that I was never in bad mood, but this is the first time that I manage to observe my own self or rather my own mood loaded with the theories about human emotion that I have read in my mind.

My outlook and handling of my foul mood used to be so different. Most of the time, I thought we human I can control my emotion and mood through my logic thinking. My remedy for bad emotion was always to think logical. Find the root cause of the problem, and solve it. If I can't find the root cause, logically there was no problem in first place. So I should pull myself out from that dreaded emotion at once. Sometime it works, most of the time it doesn't. I never understand why notice that.

Being in bad mood by itself is bad enough, and self denial make it even worse. Well it is not exactly a self denial, most of the time I fully aware when I am in the bad mood. Yet it's my wrong perception on bad mood make it even worse. Everytimes I was in bad mood, I would always tell myself I shouldn't be in bad mood. That's a logical and pragmatisme in me speaking. The truth is, it only help in worsen the already rotten feeling. Despite "logically" me tell myself I should not be moody, I still can't help it and can't pull myself out.

That was me invalidating my own feeling. You might think that is bad. Yet, it nothing compare what I am going to reveal here. The stupid thing I have done was, despite all the signs that this invalidation tactic doesn't help, I still used it agaisnt other people. Use it onto person that is so dear to me, and I deserved being dump for that.

Ever heard of the adage "Do onto others what you want others do onto you"? I think I was so stupid to follow it by the book in this situation. Everytime I am in foul mood, I would invalidate my own feeling. That's how I dealt with my mood ever since I was young, very young. Being a dumn ass, that was exactly how I dealt with my ex too when she was in foul mood or feeling down. Yes, stupid me invalidated all her feeling, like how I invalidate myself. I can give an excuse that I was not to be blame because I was doing exactly that to myself. Yet, at this moment I see through my folly and there is no use blaming anything other than myself for not being "smart" enough.

For the first time last night, I didn't invalidate my foul mood. I just let it be, there is nothing wrong with being in bad mood. I didn't sprinkled salt onto the wound. If I didn't feel bad when I am feeling happy extremely happy, why should I have to feel bad when I am in foul mood? Err.. actually I did occasionally feel bad when I am extremely happy, but let leave that as it is for now. Err.. if the previous setence doesn't make sense to you, it's okie because it doesn't make sense to me either *grin*. Let me try again. When we are in bad mood, we are always in fight or flight mode. F**k! Anyway... my point is when I was in bad mood, "seeing" myself in that mood alone will make me feel worst. Damn... I lost it... lost the train of my thought again. What I mean is both happy and foul mood are just emotion. If I can accept happy, why should I deny foul mood? I should just accept and embrace it like how I embrace other good and positive emotion. Observes how it arises, and how it goes away.

What I learn from last night experience is invalidating one feeling is not a good way, in fact a wrong way, of dealing with emotional issue.


I posses the needs
to feel happy
to feel sad
to feel moody
to feel lonely
to feel estatic
to feel human emotions

The longing for all emotions
which I embrace
which I dare fight not
which I let be
be it sweet
be it foul
just so to perceive
to be whole
to be alive